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This season on the Real Housewives of New York City, Bravo decided to start right in with the drama and then stretch it so far and thin, I started wondering if I’m happy I wasn’t popular in high school and had to worry about all of these petty issues. Then that fleeting moment fizzled and I realized I enjoy being intelligent and independent instead. I took a shot and kept on watching.

I feel like I should be whispering this to you over the phone, under a few blankets, with pigtails. So like, Alex is pissed because Jill talked smack about Simon (Alex’s husband) and it got into the New York Post. She like, said like, Simon was a drunk. And like, Simon totally deserved it because, like, he had said that Jill was “from Long Island and you could tell” and like, who the eff would say that about someone?!?!

Alex was like, totally sassy back, and said like, it was cool and all, but so obv’ that Jill was only doing it because of how jeal’ she is that Simon and her got, like, some press.

I have so many problems with this shit it is ridiculous.

What did he say that was so bad? He didn’t call her a tramp whore who gangbangs like a champ.

And I’m sorry, but someone is writing stories and publishing it as news about these people? What kind of a fucking newspaper is that? Are they calling themselves journalists!? I can see how so many people think the news is worthless finding out repulsive information like this.

One of the women is a “countess” (and refers to herself in the third person as one once, and I did chuckle at the absurdity of it.) I’m going to have to look up what a count is. I know of Count Dracula, but I don’t think she’s married to a vampire.

I made my boyfriend watch these catty bitches with me and he says, “This is like… a real life Sex and the City.” And it sort of is, except I don’t care about these people at all, because they aren’t clever, and somehow the drama in Sex and the City was relatable, hence why people liked watching it. But this is not like that. I can’t relate to being pretentious and snobby. These people purposely make you feel like their lives are much better than ours, and they are rich, and we should make sure we remember that.

And then probably the only thing I remember from the rest of the episode happened. A new woman was added. She’s a Milf. She multitasks. She’s a model. She’s into equestrian sports. Did I mention she’s hot? And Bethenny, whose name is so pretentiously spelled it is amazing, tells us that this new uber sexpot, Kelly, is part of the “fabulosity crowd.” The funny thing is, when she says this, I can’t help but think what she’s really trying to say is, “We are not celebrities. At all. But this woman is a celebrity and is someone important people in NYC know.”

If you are one of those people who think weak plot lines and catty behavior is fascinating, then this show is for you. Yes, the shows I enjoy have that too, but for some reason, with these people being so rich they can’t handle it, it makes it 10x more annoying for me. I’ll stick to my trailer trash pals on VH1 thank you very much.