‘ROCKING’ HOT MESS STILL A HOT MESS
VH1 premiered the ever endearing Charm School, this year hosted by Ricki Lake, on Monday night. Generally, the series sticks to one of Love series, but this year, they have joined Real Chance of Love and Rock of Love Bus. Beverly, a mean drunk as always, smashed up the crazy, psycho, bitch stick Brittaney Star’s weave and goes home early as a result. However it’s pussy-shot Gia who proves to be the biggest alcoholic when she votes her best friend A-bomb down to the carpet, gets eliminated, and then has a meltdown outside of the castle. Turns out downing whole bottles of alcohol won’t find you love or $100,000; shocker, eh?

I LOVE NEW YORK FILLING PIGS WITH SPERM
Let’s just say I hate New York because: New York + goats + crispy pig skin + pig shit + failing half of her tasks = $10,000. How exactly does she deserve this? People on a pig farm probably make that much in two months, if not more. While watching her inseminating a pig gave me a chuckle, I have to say New York isn’t exactly a feminist or scientist for that matter. She offers up cleavage-y views of her DD’s to the Hispanic workers, and they seem to eat ‘em up (unfortunately not literally, which would have been hilarious.) Also, unfortunately, none of next week’s options involve animals, which had to be deliberate. I’m going to guess it was so VH1 doesn’t get sued by PETA.

“LET’S RUN A RESPECTABLE STRIP CLUB, ONE MOM CAN BE PROUD OF”
After watching Bravo’s premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I needed a second to think about all the topics covered. 19 engagements, phone sex, stalking… and that’s just Danielle. Teresa is the too tan mini boob mom who “skeeves” looking at other’s homes (to buy.) Jacqueline seems to be the nice, drama free one; Caroline aka Mrs. Soprano seems to be the one who’ll have you wacked. Oh and don’t forget the gold digger Dina. The quote in the title is from Caroline, commenting on her son wanting to own a strip club and car washing business. Since New Jersey is the armpit of America, I’m pretty sure I can smell their B.O. with their B.S.! Here’s hoping I get to here them say “bubbies” (aka tits) a thousand times over.

KELLY, OF RHONY, LOW ON MANURE, YET TOTALLY FULL OF SHIT
A class act as always, The Real Housewives of New York hosted Bitchfest 2009 on Tuesday AND Thursday night. The quote that made me laugh out loud? “Cry for me because I’m so rich!” Kelly said, through salty water squeezed from her eyes, “The grass isn’t always greener. Even if you have enough fertilizer.” Are you fucking kidding me? That was during part one. In part two, they all call her out as being the total space case douche queen fake that she is, all but Alex. Alex was extraordinarily quiet. I have a newfound respect for her for only screaming at two people.

23 YEAR-OLD PINK HAIR, THEY WEREN’T BUYING IT
In the fastest bouncing out time ever, youngin’ Kristen leaves in the first five minutes of the second episode. She was way too emotional. In the first episode she said something about how hard it is to be 23 and own her own business, yet she can’t stand a little Mizrahi tongue? The team dubbed, unofficially by fellow contestants, “little people” were in the middle this week, but it was “Team Harem Pants” who were picked as the worst. “I didn’t know this was America’s next best seamstress,” Johnny said during elimination. “Send me home.” While Mizrahi wants to fuck him up (and who knows, probably fuck him) it was Laura they weren’t “buying” because she was a tool. Er… rather, because she wouldn’t get rid of her red tulle.