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If someone else hosted America’s Next Top Model, I wouldn’t watch it for a second. That being said, I hate Tyra Banks as much as, if not more than, Beyonce. Not because they are “fierce” independent women. It's more like I don’t want a super-sized bitchshake with my fries, but thanks.

I have a huge problem with multiple aspects of the show. For example, within minutes of introducing us to the beautiful/tragic/prepubescent looking girls who would be heading to the swank model apartment, I could already pick out multiple handfuls of who would make it in. It almost feels like introducing someone to a circus…

Ladies and gentleman, keep your children away or cover their eyes, for the animals you are about to see are too frail and hungry to be seen by precious young ones. Unless you want them to begin puking after most meals, then let them feast upon the unfeasted.

First give a glance at the “I’m-So-Awkward-And-Alien-Looking-I’m-Perfect-For-Modeling Girls.” Then take a left at the “Too-Old-To-Be-Doing-This-But-Going-For-It-And-I’m-Going-To-Inevitably-Get-Arthritis-And-Fail-Horribly Girl.” Look at the .00001 millimeter’s of crow’s feet creeping out of her eyes. ::Oooooooh… Ahhhhh…::

The plus size model, and I hate to admit this, will make it in. Especially since Janice Dickinson got booted and that one curvy chick won season 129e438437. They will introduce two or three girls who overcame a lot of odds to get here, but at least one won’t make it. There’s the “I’m-Really-Pure/Religious-And-I-Won’t-Get-Naked-In-The-Naked-Photo-Shoot Girl.” The mixed race, the super dark, the shockingly pale... I could go on for a while…

Want to know the worst part? I wrote all of that before the show aired and I was fucking right. I didn’t even need to watch it. Why did I, you might wonder, if I already predicted it and knew it would be just like every other season? Because I love the photo shoots and Ms. Jay. And honestly, I have a total and complete S&M relationship with Tyra.

The fact that I’m obsessed with reality television might also have something to do with it.

1. The Photo Shoots & Ms. Jay: His comments are priceless and so are the ways they make these girls look for some of the shoots. It may be “high fashion” to some, but when you’re stoned watching a grown woman (and I say “a” because there is only one 25ish year old in every season) dress up like a mermaid and hang upside down from a fishing net peppered with ocean junk (throwback to past seasons, holler!), it’s hilarious, and I’ve definitely shot milk out my nose on two occasions watching ANTM.

2. Tyra Mothafuckin Banks Ya’ll: I like Tyra because she’s definitely made it far for a woman that was “just a model” a little ways back. I don’t like that 99.99999999% of her comments start with “when I was modeling, I'd do it perfect this way…!” I like that she keeps around the “not-so-typically-pretty” girls because they are perfect for modeling. I don’t like that she tells those girls they are “not-so-typically-pretty” because seriously, what girl wants to hear that? Tyra: “You’re face reminds me of a cross between a pig and an emu. My god you’re perfect for Vogue.” Piggy/emu girl: “Wow… umm… Thanks?”

None of this will ever stop me from watching. Not even the adverts for next season during THIS season which announced they are looking for girls under 5’7’’. Oohh! Maybe they’ll let a midget in… Then it really could be a circus!